Special Announcement from Me, Ed Kemp, your President and CEO.

Hello Team,

First of all, I am one of you.  By now, I shouldn’t have to tell you that.  Just look at the vest.  It was given to Me by My grateful employees after I demonstrated My prowess with a feather duster.  I had the trophies surgically attached so My staff has to feed me.  But, I only eat hot wings because I am one of you.

In October 2018 we (prompted by Me) launched a take no prisoners yet bleak five-year plan to Expand Our Mission, Finance Our Calling, and Eat More Rutabagas. In this short time, we have progressed at warp speed and purged the naysayers to fulfill our organizational goals—to put more people to work, increase revenue, and use hand sanitizer every hour, on the hour.

Over the course of My regime, I have shared with you the significance of taking a revolutionary look from above to advance our future growth.  Moreover, to challenge ourselves to continually innovate, learn, and wear fanny packs in nice restaurants. How we (I) organize our efforts will change to reflect our 2023 Plan.  Some of the changes include, but are not limited to:

• In lieu of raises, the transportation department will receive state-of-the-art toupees.

• All hourly employees will be mandated to call their mothers once a week.  Should their mothers have deceased, a séance will be provided.  Consult your HR representative if you need assistance.

• It will now be required that management know the definition and proper usage of diphthongs.

Earlier this year, we (actually I) hired an independent planning committee to conduct a bureau-wide organizational efficiency evaluation. Their objectives are to review our current department structures and to provide recommendations to improve productivity, compliance and tap dancing skills.

My best judgment told Me to begin with My executive office. Based on this independent review, it gives Me great pleasure to announce the new organizational structure within My executive office, effective immediately: 

• Simone de Beauvoir, Assistant to Me, is responsible for providing executive support to Me by managing My wombat farm, bagel collection, blacklists, and putting my brother-in-law Steve on hold. 

• Simone Mary Bouchard, Director of Special Projects, is responsible for managing weaving projects assigned by Me.

• Simone Melchior, Director of Board Relations, is responsible for assisting Me in the management of My scuba equipment.

Simone, Simone and Simone will answer directly to Me. With this new structure, we will increase decisiveness and insensitivity in order to drive higher productivity, create an enhanced authoritarian experience and guarantee fluffy pillows to each employee who meets their quota.

As this syndicate-wide competency study continues, the executive team and I (mostly I) will determine if we need any additional adjustments to help increase our potential to meet, exceed or just forget about our 2023 Plan goals and beyond. We will provide updates to the bureau when new developments occur.   In the absence of new developments, we will play skee ball.

Thank you for your compliance and flexibility as we organize for success.  Without you at the bottom of the barrel, the barrel wouldn’t be full for Me to enjoy.

Sincerely,

Ed Kemp
President & CEO