The President Speaks to Congress

Photo collage of 5 presidents

Mr. President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the One hundred-sixteenth Congress:

I address you, the Members of this new Congress, at a moment unprecedented in the history of the Union. I use the word “unprecedented,” because at no previous time has American vanity been as seriously threatened from without as it is today.

Therefore, as your President, performing my constitutional duty to “give to the Congress information of the state of the Union,” I find it, unhappily, necessary to report that the future and the good looks of our country and of our democracy are overwhelmingly involved in events far beyond our salons and health clubs.

In times like these it is immature–and incidentally, untrue–for anybody to brag that an unprepared America, single-handed, with DIY haircuts and insufficient hot yoga, can hold off the whole world.

We must especially beware of that small group of selfish and unattractive men who would clip the wings of the American eagle in order to feather their own self care regimens.

That is why every member of the Executive Branch of the Government, every member of the Congress and every member of the National Cosmetology Association face great responsibility and great accountability.

And today it is abundantly evident that American citizens everywhere are demanding and supporting speedy and complete action in recognition of bad hair days and poor muscle tone.

Therefore, the immediate need is a swift and driving increase in our hair clipper, elliptical machine and nail polish production.

For there is nothing mysterious about the foundations of a healthy and strong democracy. The basic things expected by our people of their political and self-care systems are simple. They are:

Equality of opportunity for youth and all body types and hair textures.

Stylish trims for those with unkempt bangs.

Shampoos for those who need them it.

The ending of personal trainers for the few.

The preservation of massage therapy for all.

The enjoyment . . . the enjoyment of the fruits of CrossFit in a wider and constantly rising standard of overall fitness.

These are the simple, the basic things that must never be lost sight of in the turmoil and unbelievable complexity of our modern world. The inner and abiding strength of our hair care and strength training systems is dependent upon the degree to which they fulfill these expectations.

If the Congress maintains these principles, the voters, putting toned bodies and lustrous hair ahead of pocketbooks, will give you their applause.

In the future days, which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms.

Spoof of Norman Rockwell’s “Freedom of Expression”

The first is freedom of speech and expression to the manager on duty–everywhere in the world.

Spoof of Norman Rockwell’s “Freedom to Worship”

The second is freedom of every person to worship skin care products and workout routines in their his own way–everywhere in the world.

The third is freedom from want–which, translated into self care terms, means product understandings which will secure to every nation a healthy football season for its inhabitants-everywhere in the world.

Spoof of Norman Rockwell’s “Freedom from Want”

The fourth is freedom from fear–which, translated into world terms, means a world-wide reduction of  products which over exfoliate to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that no person with sensitive skin  will be in a position to commit an act of damaging their skin–anywhere in the world.

Spoof of Norman Rockwell’s “Freedom from Fear”

That is no vision of a distant millennium. It is a definite basis for a kind of world attainable in our own time and generation. That kind of world is the very antithesis of the so-called new order of tyranny which the dictators seek to create with the closing of salons, massage parlors and gyms.

To that new order we oppose the greater conception–the moral order. A good society is able to face schemes of at home haircuts and working out in the basement world domination and foreign revolutions alike without fear.

Since the beginning of our American history, we have been engaged in change–in a perpetual peaceful revolution–a revolution which goes on steadily, quietly adjusting itself to changing conditions–without the shampooless haircut or the medicine ball in the garage. The world order which we seek is the cooperation of free countries, working together in a friendly, well groomed society.

This nation has placed its destiny in the hands and heads and hearts of its millions of free men and women; and its faith in freedom under the guidance of the self care industry. Freedom means the supremacy of head turning bodies everywhere. Our support goes to those who struggle to gain those rights and keep them. Our healthy appearance is our unity of purpose.

To that high concept there can be no end save a slammin’ do on a beach ready bod. 

Rating: 1 out of 5.

2 thoughts on “The President Speaks to Congress

    1. Thanks for reading and much gratitude for the reblog!

      Liked by 1 person

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