I Cook, Therefore She Influences

Discourse on Menu Planning and Instagram Influencing

I had long since remarked that in matters of becoming an Instagram influencer, it is necessary for my partner Helena to follow opinions known to be uncertain, as if they were not subject to doubt.  That is, to drop a few pounds and quit smoking. 

Thus, because our senses sometimes deceive us, and because Helena was as likely as another to err in eating chili dogs, I volunteered to take on cooking duties. On the other hand, we shall take note here of Helena’s mental operations by which she is able, wholly without fear of illusion, to arrive at the knowledge of finding an Instagram niche.   

First and foremost, method contains everything which gives certainty to the rules of diet and marketing strategy.  By a method I mean certain and simple rules such that, if Helena and I observed them accurately, we shall never assume what is false is true.  As such, while Helena created her Instagram business account and uploaded videos to her YouTube channel, I prepared the menu.

For the appetizer, I seriously undertook to rid myself of all the opinions which I had previously accepted.  I commenced to build anew from the foundation, since I wanted to establish something firm and lasting in the soup course. 

Helena’s love for gumbo notwithstanding, I blanched and pureed dandelion greens with vegetable stock.  I see so manifestly that there are no certain indications by which we may clearly distinguish taste from fat.

While I prepared the soup, I shall then suppose some evil genius not less powerful than deceitful, had employed his whole energies in deceiving Helena. I shall consider that writing an effective Instagram bio is nothing but illusion. A dream of which this genius has availed himself to lay traps for Helena’s credulity.  Despite the traps the genius sets, 150 words are necessarily true each time that Helena writes them or mentally conceives them.

The fish course proved to be quite easy.  To steam razor clams accurately, I become not more than a thing which thinks, that is to say a mind or a soul, or an understanding, or a reason.

While I section blood oranges, it is at least quite certain that I see light, that I hear noise and that I feel heat.   As I reduce blood orange juice and shave sun chokes,  it is so evident that it is I who doubt, who understand, and who desire, that there is no reason here to add anything to explain it.

Despite my ease in preparing the fish course, Helena’s Instagram aesthetic demonstrated serious challenges.  What is an awesome Instagram aesthetic?  It is a thing which doubts, understands, affirms, which also imagines and feels.  It almost always contains a tutorial.  In the end, Helena sees clearly that there is nothing that is easier for her to know than making a consistent look and feel.

The poultry course placed multiple obstacles in front of me.  Helena loves duck and the glorious fat that the bird offers. How to reconcile her adoration for the fatty bird and make her Instagram ready?  Among ideas, some appear to be innate, some adventitious, and others to be formed [or invented] by myself.  In this case, the epiphany of a single roasted duck wing and fingerling potato came from the Heavens.  God, in creating me, placed this idea within me to be like the mark of the workman imprinted on his work.

While I reduced red wine with duck stock and pureed Cape gooseberries, Helena toiled with captions and hashtags.  She must remain true to her brand for the light of Instagram teaches us that fraud and deception necessarily proceed from some defect.   Helena established as a general rule that all things which her followers perceive very clearly and distinctly are true.  Ultimately, she described her brand as “witty,” “fun” and “chill.”

The meat course again confronted me with handicaps.  Helena cherishes the lardaceous qualities of sausage as much as duck.  Yet, she fears her plump figure will detract from her brand.  Therefore, I sliced blood sausage into five paper thin discs.  Not that my thought can bring this to pass, or impose any necessity on things, but, on the contrary, the necessity which lies in the blood sausage determines me to think this way.

As I cooked and pureed zipper peas to compliment the sausage, Helena worked on content to post up to three times a day.  Helena strives for authenticity in her posts.  But in order that an Instagram post should contain some certain objective reality, the post must without doubt derive from some photo shoot location in which there is at least as much formal reality as this idea contains of objective reality.  Therefore, Photoshop is out of the question. 

Last, dessert.  Helena chain smokes and despite her best efforts-gum, patches, exorcism, she can’t rid herself of this nefarious habit.  Therefore, God granted me the power to make tobacco ice cream and chocolate sauce.  And by the name ice cream  I understand a substance that is infinite, independent, all-knowing, all-powerful, and by which I myself and everything else, if anything else does exist, has been created.

While I prepared ladyfingers to add a textural element to the dessert, Helena interacted with her followers and got in touch with brands she loves.  For the content creator does not receive the impressions from all parts of the followers or brand immediately, but only from one of its smallest parts, to wit, from that in which the common sense is said to reside.

The time remaining to Helena and me we have resolved to employ in trying to acquire some knowledge of cuisine and Instagram influence, such that we may be able to draw from it more certain rules for body image and marketing than those which we possess.

And Helena hereby declares that she shall always hold herself more obliged to those by whose favor she enjoys influencing.  An influence undisturbed that she should be obligated to any who should offer her the most esteemed employments in the world.  And don’t forget to use her discount code.  

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