Written communication is the third oldest form of exchanging information, after verbal communication and YouTube. The written word can take several forms, including instructional, persuasive and Twitter rants.
Moreover, in academia, written communication is paramount, used in letters, memos and plagiarized work. However, the most versatile form of written communication is the Post-it Note. The Post-it Note conveys information quickly, affixes to any surface and is usable as a blindfold in a pinch.
The Post-it Note is a public forum, like social media, newspapers and my uncle Hiram’s forehead. Therefore, Post-it Notes are subject to traditional critical analysis and interpretation.
Analysis and criticism of the written word date to the fourth century BCE. The first recorded criticism of a written work occurred when Plato referred to Aristotle’s Poetics as “glib.” This analysis shook the Greek scholarly community because the word “glib” is German and doesn’t appear until the sixteenth century.
Therefore, using the Platonic method, this article will critically analyze the meaning behind Post-it Notes in the public forum.
This first Post-it Note appears to be a simple message covering an unidentified orange soft drink brand on a soda dispenser. At first glance, the words “No More” indicate that this brand is temporarily unavailable. However, further investigation provides a backstory that is either recklessly negligent or a docudrama script. The jury is still out.
Pickpocket turned self-styled “healer” Kermit Lupowitz placed the note on the soda dispenser. His goal was to encourage his patient, Alejandro Sneed, to stay focused on his healing cleanse.
Sneed lived under the impression that he was becoming a burrito. Unable to accept life in a flour tortilla, the twenty-eight-year-old Sneed turned to Lupowitz, who claimed to have success in healing others from becoming taquitos.
During their first meeting, Lupowitz described his method of preventing people from becoming Mexican food. This system included the consumption of a unique “drink” made from pureed herring, Thousand Island dressing and high fructose corn syrup. These ingredients served as the antithesis of Mexican food.
Furthermore, Lupowitz instructed Sneed to read Lupowitz’s book “Detoxing an Enchilada” and avoid the color orange. Consequently, the note on the soda dispenser served two purposes: deterring contact with the color orange and encouraging the high fructose drink.
However, Sneed’s condition rapidly deteriorated. He developed a fever, began smothering himself with guacamole and muttering the word “frijoles.” Three weeks into the treatment, Sneed wrapped himself in foil and leaped into the moving car of an Uber Eats driver.
Lupowitz was put on trial and found guilty of felony practicing medicine without a license, second-degree felony murder and failure to tip the Uber Eats guy.
The second Post-it Note is a straightforward message affixed to a truck window. It reads, “Hey driver please park within the line correctly! Thank you!” This message needs no further analysis. Brad Humber was just a schmuck that presumed he was above the rules.
The final Post-it Note reads “Don’t fill with soap. It just leaks out.” Yet, the note has been taped to the soap dispenser. Why? Further analysis reveals a tale of conspiracy and dry-cleaning receipts.
Ender Goldworm founded NeukiLists in 2006. (“Neuki” is the Korean word for “greasy” and “list” is the English word for “list”.) He created the site to serve as a clearinghouse for classified information and guarantee the elite didn’t falsify their dry-cleaning deductions on their taxes.
NeukiLists came to international attention in 2010. The bombshell exploded when U.S. Army intelligence analyst Ase Bae leaked the dry-cleaning receipt of Brigadier General Abel Wolfsheim. The list read:
4 blue shirts $10.50
2 white shirts $5.25
3 pairs slacks $9.00
However, on Woldsheim’s tax return, the dry cleaning deduction equaled the gross national product of Liechtenstein.
NeukiLeaks gained further infamy during the 2020 U.S. election campaign. The site published confidential dry-cleaning receipts of independent candidate Miyanna Stafford. While Stafford did not over-report the bill on her taxes, a handwritten note at the bottom of the receipt read:
“Oh, man! I’ve got the nomination in the bag even before the primary! The party loves me and I’m going to grow some mangoes from seed!”
After the leaks, the United States government issued a warrant for either Goldworm’s arrest or a ban on his TikTok account, whichever came first.
Fearing the latter, Goldworm took asylum in the dry cleaners of the Uruguayan Embassy in France. Trying to wash his hands, he noticed the dispenser was dripping soap. He affixed the note to the soap container, but dry-cleaning solvent dissolved the Post-it adhesive.
Consequently, Goldworm taped the note to the soap dispenser and complained to the embassy staff. Enraged, the Uruguayan embassy withdrew Goldworm’s asylum and invited the police to arrest Goldworm. The entire incident has two million views on Goldworm’s TikTok account.
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